Wednesday, January 31, 2007
The Saints are coming!!!
Shit, I had that title planned as my lead up post to the SuperBowl over 4 weeks ago, and now it's redundant.
This weekend is important for more than just the start of the Super 14, for Instance it is also the 20 year anniversary of the people of the South Island of New Zealand discovering fire. But more importantly it is the SuperBowl. This event is the basis that all sporting finals shout aspire to
The game takes place in Miami, Florida, regardless of the fact that neither competing team is from Florida. The reason for this is that the decision on where to host the most important domestic fixture is made based on venue compatibility. Weather being a big factor, as well as logistics and the ability to accommodate the enormity of the event. I mean, without that level of planning, you may have a final being played somewhere where the weather is so SHIT!! that the players themselves can't see 3 feet in front of them. I mean, that'd be pretty fucking embarrassing wouldn't it.
Cheerleaders, an underrated, yet hugely important part of the over all atmosphere of the game, take this for example:
Six members of the elite
What do men love? Sports, beer and breasts (and the occasional quilt making, but that falls outside of the scope of this conversation). Is it so inconceivable to combine them in one beautiful event. The only reason this has not happened in the Super 14 is because a South African team has not hosted a Final (Woe is me, i know.) But hear this, SuperBowl in Florida = Super14 Final in Durban. And before you ask, I don't have to ask myself how ridiculous that sounds, because if I let a little thing like facts get in the way of me talking, I'd never say a word.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Off Season Training Schedule, my ass!!
So 'Ol Puff Larry's been taking it a bit easy over Xmas. Turns out Sephaka rocked up to the Lions camp and and when Loffie said "Raak die draad" Larry was unable to comply. As usual Walter Cronkite was all over this like a rash. Sensationalist bullshit aside, I guess if you're paid to do something you're expected to perform........ wait a minute, I just wrote that, on my blog that I am updating from work, while a nasty pile of documentation is staring at me like dead hooker needing to be dealt with. So what this means is that some people cut the corners of productivity and in doing so, take back a little humanity that is robbed from them when they walk through those gray doors they call WORK!!! SO... before we start asking ourselves why Larry didn't train over Xmas, maybe we should be asking ourselves: "how much poon tang did Larry get over Xmas." Because if I understand things correctly (and I rarely don't) rugby players fly around in chartered planes, drink Krystal, party in Las Vegas and sleep with supermodels. and you know it's true.
P.S. While searching for a picture of Puff Larry, I accidentally came across this, click HERE if you want, but be warned it's somewhat unsettling. Anyone ever seen EraserHead?
Monday, January 29, 2007
Weekend Picks 2/02/07
I fully intend to give my predictions for each weeks Super 14 Love fest. (Keep in mind I also fully intended on becoming a super spy, but look how that worked out.) It's a simple concept fairly similar to WithLeathers Weekly Picks, home team all in caps.
BLUES vs. Crusaders.
I don't really care to be honest. the only reason I'd watch this is to see how, if at all, helpless the crusaders are without their guns. and by guns I mean Ritchie and Danny. I'll go Blues only because I'm moving a to Auckland and need some Karma.
FORCE vs. Highlanders
Eh, Again I can't say I'm overly excited about this. Matt Giteau is going to look like Jesus the magician among all these losers. I'm going to go Force, only because I don't believe any one of the highlanders have ever seen the sun. It may freak them out.
LIONS vs. Warratahs
Now we're fuckin talking. I think one of two things will happen the Lions will let rip and eat Phil Waugh's mullet. or they will lay down and get violated, thinking to themselves, "I'm sure I've been here before?" The optimist in me however is well aware of the fact that the Lions have never lost a Super 14 match (The Cats on the other hand got fucked up several hundred times.)
CHIEFS v.s Brumbies
Another Trans-Tasman Suckfest. And whats worse? no fucking cheerleaders. NEXT.
REDS vs. Hurricanes
I have only a mildly vested interest in this one. See I live in Wellington and I've met a few of the players so I kinda hope they do ok. they've been pretty unlucky throughout the competition. The only time they ever got to a final they were forced to do it like the Karate kid and play blind. So I'm going away team on this one.
SHARKS vs. Bulls
This is going to be a big one. The Last time they met, the Sharks did everything to get to a semi final, only for the Bulls to pick one big "fuck you" out of their pockets and hand it to them.
Keep in mind though, the Sharks have all the talent in the world at their disposal and the Bulls don't exactly have anything new to offer, just more of the same. Which wasn't bad to begin with.
So expect a big match but remember, win or lose, the Sharks will always have the hottest girls in hottubs. and that is what really counts.
CHEETAHS vs. Stormers
I can see this match being quite exciting. Typical clash of Boer vs. Hippy. and that's always fun. Having said that I have all the respect in the world for Luke Watson. In one season of Curry Cup he has restored at least a little of the former WP glory, Which just once again proves my point that when you select a captain, don't go for a girly backline player, get a hard motherflanker.
That Concludes our Picks for the weekend, all the picks from now on will be shorter (if at all) This is just the bumper first edition. If your wondering about the picture read this. After that I want all you hot girls reading this, (no not you grandma) to don various t-shirts of a similar nature and send me the pictures. example "Fuck Da hurricanes", "fuck da Brumbies".
good night and good luck.
BLUES vs. Crusaders.
I don't really care to be honest. the only reason I'd watch this is to see how, if at all, helpless the crusaders are without their guns. and by guns I mean Ritchie and Danny. I'll go Blues only because I'm moving a to Auckland and need some Karma.
FORCE vs. Highlanders
Eh, Again I can't say I'm overly excited about this. Matt Giteau is going to look like Jesus the magician among all these losers. I'm going to go Force, only because I don't believe any one of the highlanders have ever seen the sun. It may freak them out.
LIONS vs. Warratahs
Now we're fuckin talking. I think one of two things will happen the Lions will let rip and eat Phil Waugh's mullet. or they will lay down and get violated, thinking to themselves, "I'm sure I've been here before?" The optimist in me however is well aware of the fact that the Lions have never lost a Super 14 match (The Cats on the other hand got fucked up several hundred times.)
CHIEFS v.s Brumbies
Another Trans-Tasman Suckfest. And whats worse? no fucking cheerleaders. NEXT.
REDS vs. Hurricanes
I have only a mildly vested interest in this one. See I live in Wellington and I've met a few of the players so I kinda hope they do ok. they've been pretty unlucky throughout the competition. The only time they ever got to a final they were forced to do it like the Karate kid and play blind. So I'm going away team on this one.
SHARKS vs. Bulls
This is going to be a big one. The Last time they met, the Sharks did everything to get to a semi final, only for the Bulls to pick one big "fuck you" out of their pockets and hand it to them.
Keep in mind though, the Sharks have all the talent in the world at their disposal and the Bulls don't exactly have anything new to offer, just more of the same. Which wasn't bad to begin with.
So expect a big match but remember, win or lose, the Sharks will always have the hottest girls in hottubs. and that is what really counts.
CHEETAHS vs. Stormers
I can see this match being quite exciting. Typical clash of Boer vs. Hippy. and that's always fun. Having said that I have all the respect in the world for Luke Watson. In one season of Curry Cup he has restored at least a little of the former WP glory, Which just once again proves my point that when you select a captain, don't go for a girly backline player, get a hard motherflanker.
That Concludes our Picks for the weekend, all the picks from now on will be shorter (if at all) This is just the bumper first edition. If your wondering about the picture read this. After that I want all you hot girls reading this, (no not you grandma) to don various t-shirts of a similar nature and send me the pictures. example "Fuck Da hurricanes", "fuck da Brumbies".
good night and good luck.
Monday, January 22, 2007
I see dead Samoan people (....in the world cup.)
I just got back from a jet set Holiday set in the mystical locations of Hong Kong, and Ballito... okay I realize when I talk like this I sound like THAT cock , But that's where I was.
In my previous post I made mention that there were no notable sporting events going on. EHHHH! wrong.
Samoa got their steinlager-loving asses spanked by every super 14 franchise in SA (even the Lions)
The two great NFL match ups I wanted to watch (Pats - Chargers, Saints - Bears ) Both went against my wishes.
and Graeme Smith is still trying to find his batting form, which I suspect is buried somewhere with Jimmy Hoffa.
So.... Based on these events I think I'll make a few predictions
For every RWC 2007 match, Samoa are going to send on only seven players, play for only seven minutes per half and hope no one notices.
After February, Peyton Manning is going to make everyone kiss his rings (SuperBowl as well as sphincter)
Graeme Smith is going to beg Minki to take him back because I think when they were together was the last time he managed to keep his middle stump up.
Now if you don't mind I think I'm going to don my Gucci's and ogle the angels at Caprice (Shit!! I'm doing it again.)
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Post Traumatic stress.
get it.....? I'm traumatically stressed from having to post something. (if I have to explain it to you it's just not woth it anymore.)
Anyhoo. So the holliday season is over (not for me though, i'm still lying on a beach sipping maitais ...or you know, something less gay.) and as it turns out we're in that funk between New years, and the start of the Super 14 season, otherwise known as the black hole between sporting events, I still have nothing to write about. So instead I'm going to make two lists, one things to look forward to in the season ahead, and one... not so much.
Can't wait for:
*The Sharks. Seriously, I cannot wait to see what tricky Dicky does with the wealth of Talent he has at his fingertips. Frans, Bobby, Butch..... oh the humanity.
*SA Cheerleaders. Our teams may get fucked 6 ways from sunday every second game, but we're still the only teams to field skimpy clothed women, some in hottubs and bikinis. Is that concidered a moral victory?...that's what it says in the bible.
Not So good.
* Commentators. I've said it before and I'll say it again why can't we find some interesting commentators. I'm sure they're out there. But if I have to hear Cowley, Fynn, and Garth (couldn't pronouce his own fucking name) Wright, fumble around each other like a special olympic orgy, one more time, I am going to jam my beer glass in my eye.
*Kiwi Smugness. They're a little apprehensive the 'ol Ovis Aries infatuous, since most of their star players will be sitting back drinking beers while a few amatures are called upon to represent the mighty Crusaders and Hurrincanes. They've already prepared their speaches for if(when) they lose.
"to whom it may concern,
If bloody Henry didn't rest Carter and McCaw, we would've won, and if we weren't busy climbing a mountain we would've cured world hunger.
thank you.
P.S. Lord of the Rings is the best movie trilogy ever.
signed:
a Kiwi"
But if they win..... they will remove their phalluses and ejaculate all over Christchurch and declare that even with no All Blacks, they still fucked us over. And they'll be right.
*Mid Season Decline. That time of year when all the SA teams start missing home and boerewors, and Egoli and they start playing like pussies, kicking the ball away aimlessly, reverting to playing touch rugby instead. and I'm left to pick up the pieces. Well no more you lazy fuckers, i now posess a tool so powerful, so awe inspiring that you will submit to my rule. I have a blog.
Anyhoo. So the holliday season is over (not for me though, i'm still lying on a beach sipping maitais ...or you know, something less gay.) and as it turns out we're in that funk between New years, and the start of the Super 14 season, otherwise known as the black hole between sporting events, I still have nothing to write about. So instead I'm going to make two lists, one things to look forward to in the season ahead, and one... not so much.
Can't wait for:
*The Sharks. Seriously, I cannot wait to see what tricky Dicky does with the wealth of Talent he has at his fingertips. Frans, Bobby, Butch..... oh the humanity.
*SA Cheerleaders. Our teams may get fucked 6 ways from sunday every second game, but we're still the only teams to field skimpy clothed women, some in hottubs and bikinis. Is that concidered a moral victory?...that's what it says in the bible.
Not So good.
* Commentators. I've said it before and I'll say it again why can't we find some interesting commentators. I'm sure they're out there. But if I have to hear Cowley, Fynn, and Garth (couldn't pronouce his own fucking name) Wright, fumble around each other like a special olympic orgy, one more time, I am going to jam my beer glass in my eye.
*Kiwi Smugness. They're a little apprehensive the 'ol Ovis Aries infatuous, since most of their star players will be sitting back drinking beers while a few amatures are called upon to represent the mighty Crusaders and Hurrincanes. They've already prepared their speaches for if(when) they lose.
"to whom it may concern,
If bloody Henry didn't rest Carter and McCaw, we would've won, and if we weren't busy climbing a mountain we would've cured world hunger.
thank you.
P.S. Lord of the Rings is the best movie trilogy ever.
signed:
a Kiwi"
But if they win..... they will remove their phalluses and ejaculate all over Christchurch and declare that even with no All Blacks, they still fucked us over. And they'll be right.
*Mid Season Decline. That time of year when all the SA teams start missing home and boerewors, and Egoli and they start playing like pussies, kicking the ball away aimlessly, reverting to playing touch rugby instead. and I'm left to pick up the pieces. Well no more you lazy fuckers, i now posess a tool so powerful, so awe inspiring that you will submit to my rule. I have a blog.
Monday, January 1, 2007
A detailed plan to win the world cup (..the first 5 weeks.)
If the above title lead you to believe that I spent last night conjuring up logistical strategies to win the coveted webb ellis, then I apologize, I spent the night trying to get up off the floor multiple times. You will get no sense from me today, my head hurts, my neck is stiff?? and I can still smell black label all over me. I'm off to bed, here's a picture of Minki.
P.S. One thing, I did go to the same movie as AJ Venter today. Does that make me a hero? I dunno, but that's what my t-shirt says.