Friday, November 2, 2007
The Stofile Saga continues
Another conversation overheard in the office of Mike Stofile
What's crackin' whiteboy. Hey can you hold my calls man, I've had a loooong fuckin flight, first class may be comfortable, but hangovers most definitely 'aint
Sir, where have you been? we have been trying to get a hold of you for some time now
Wha'choo mean where I been? I been pimpin' it in Paris dawg, I even called your ass from the police station there 3 weeks ago. Fuckin cops man, you'd think they got better shit to do that chase my ministerial black ass through the park at night, and for the record, since when is 4 kilo's possession with intent? lightweights.
Sir there have been significant developments since then with the, uh.. Coach White situation.
Oh calm down Grandma, we gots that shit covered. We got half the IRB on the take, last I heard we had his favourite little crackers taken down by the Law. Where is he? is he crying? Hehe. He is, isn't he? Get my camera, I'ma put that shit on youtube.
Um... sir I don't know how to tell you this... the, uh... The Springboks won the World cup.
........... WHAT THE FUCK??? Ooooh.. haha...... yeah, oh fuck man you had me, Whooowee! Where's the camera? yo Cameraman! I got punked HAHA, I got punked good. Yo, Ashton! Ashton! Where you at man, you got me dawg, you emo bastard HAHA. man thats good. When Is this going on MTV?
Yo, where Ashton man?......................... This better be a fuckin' joke man.
I'm afraid not sir. Have you been unable to read the newspaper? I mean you were in Paris after all?
No I did not read the fuckin' newspaper, I did not take in a relaxing morning with the paper and a chai Latte'. I was up to my elbows in pussy! Oh man this is fucked up. Wait, maybe Thabo aint heard yet, we can fix this shi.... What? what now?
Sir, President Mbeki has been celebrating with Jake White for a few days now. They're probably on their Parade through the streets of Soweto by now.
Parade? S...Soweto? WHITE?...... My Brother, Listen closely. I want you to call sistah Manto. I want you to call her up, tell her to get here as fast as she can, and to leave her fuckin' potatoes and shit at home, I need some medical attention. I think I know what's going on here. I knew it, I fuckin knew it man. I was walkin' around France and this bohemian atrist brother came up and sold me some weed. I thought it was good! you know, I didn't feel nothing bad going on. but since then I've been hearing some strange shit. You have no idea, even now! while you were talking, my head was twisting it around into some fucked up fairy tale about White winning the world cup, and 30 whiteboys in parades in Soweto... yeah I know, it's fucked. I am unwell my brother, act fast.
Sir, unfortunately this is not an ...um.. narcotic effect. This really happened.
Giles, I told you earlier this year we should take their motherfucking passports. Did I not say that? In fact my words were: Giles, we should take their motherfucking passports. And you were all like: nooooo human right violation.......sanctions. Well here you have it milkylane. Look at the fucking shit we're in now. Let me guess the public fucking love him now don't they? ugh... How'm I gonna get rid of him now?
Maybe he's the right.....
I've heard enough outta you casper, one more fuckin word and I'ma shove this stapler up your ass. Here's what we're gonna do. You remember that video we made of all the members of the presidents council getting their freak on at my house? That night I got all the ho's out and the drugs, and Ludacris was there?
oh sir I'm not sure.....
Oh you're sure alright, You're going to mail copies to each and every one of those perverted motherfuckers with a note that says: White goes, or the news knows, about the hoes.
So you're going to get the IRB Coach of the year fired after winning the World Cup, by using extortion?
You better believe it homes. and while we're at it, get Charlie Murphy on the line, tell him I got a job in mind for him.
whatever you say sir.
What follows is a conversation heard in the office of Mike Stofile.
Giles!! get your college boy ass in here!!
Yes mister Stofile?
Giles, what's this shit I hear Jake White's going to go see the president? That motherfucker. I know he's going over there to bitch about me. does he know what happens to snitches in SARFU? Giles, take that spoon there and fashion a knife out of it.
Right away sir...
Actually wait. We can do this some other way. I'ma go over to Thabo's office myself and cock block that craker. Yeah and then....
You got something to say, sweater vest?
Well it's just sir.. you are no longer allowed within 50 feet of mister Thabo Mbeki.
What Kind of Bullshit is that? When did this happen?
Remember the time you showed up unannounced at his office during his big meeting with the German chancellor?
Yeah, I briefly ran into him while entertaining a few business acquaintances.
Sir... you showed up drunk with five hookers. You spilled Krystal all over the German chancellor, and offered him the..ahem services of your friends.
Hey, first of all homeboy, I didn't spill shit okay? I was sharing. And secondly that kraut motherfucker was loving the attention of my beautiful black honeys. That bitch was about 3 seconds away from having a chocolate covered bratwurst. I don't see no crime, why all the fuss?
Sir you tried to sell the president of South Africa cannabis.
You know how hard it is to find good weed in Sandton? I was doing the brother a favour. and you know my prices can't be beat.
All the same sir, the president would like to keep his distance until this blows over.
Whatever. But what am I going to do about this honkey trying to fuck me over? I know what he's thinking, he's gonna be all like whaaaa transformations, merit selections. boo fucking hoo. And you know that sneaky motherfucker is going to compare Thabo to Nelson Mandela with the world cup in '95. Nothing makes that brother cream like Mandela comparisons. An next thing you know I'll have to start laying off him and not wedgie him in the hallways. Well fuck that.
Giles go slash Jake's tyres.
Sir Jake is in Cape Town.
Then go slash Thabo's
You want me to slash the tyres of the president of South Africa? Sir I know I said I'd do any.....
I don't hear any slashing bitch?!?!?!
What follows is a conversation heard in Mike Stofile's office (possibly picked up by a bug left over from the Straeuli regime. Stofile on the phone....)
Hello....Is this the newspaper? The one that caters to white folks? Yeah, this is The Honorable intergalactic funkalicious Mike Stofile here, and I gots something to say.
Go ahead sir.
You and I have come a long way mister newspaper, whenever I feel like people are starting to forget me, or I forget what I sound like, I can just call you up and let my shit flow. I don't need a media liaison, or PR or any of that shit. cause you and I we got special bond, like fuckin....Amos and Andy and shit.
I'm glad to hear that sir.
So it is with great ease that I say: fuck Jake White. Fuck that cracker. Not only does he not like black people, he don't even like white people who like black people. That's why he didn't pick Luke because, because his daddy, Cheecky, was tight with the brothers. You know what they used to call Cheecky? White Chocolate, you know, on account of him being so white and all. Hehe that was funny, until ...uh, until Cheeky called Jermaine.. uh.... ebony chocolate, and Cheecky got his ass kicked, but it was a misunderstanding they made up.
That's not why I called though. So Jake didn't pick him again this year, but my boy Reagan had other plans. See Jake didn't know this but that whiteboy is going to be in that squad , even if we gotta kick some brothers out. This shit is about principal now.
That sounds counter productive to transforma.....
Motherfucker, I will counter produce my foot up your ass if you interrupt me again..... So anyway, I got our boy Luke in there, And would you believe it, that sneaky white motherfucker goes and cuts him from the touring squad. Weeell, we'll just fuckin see about that, That honkey will play for that team even if I have to handcuff his pale ass to the referee. Aint nothing happens in this team without my say so. I am the fucking Dalai Llama of the Springboks.
So do you feel qualified to second guess the coach on key issues such as these?
Qualified? Motherfucker I own this team. I know every player, every set piece. Every opponent. there is nothing about this game I do not kick major ass in. all of those other suckers are just dead weight, I'm the guy who makes shit happen.
Have you considered whether or not Luke's forced entry into the team may be detrimental to the teams' world cup chances?
World Cup? what the fuck are you talking about? that shit was months ago, we sent those alcoholics over to the Caribbean. what has that shit got to do with Luke Watson?
No sir, the Rugby World Cup. Later this year.
They got a world cup for that shit? ......huh. Howcome White didn't say anything to me. Hmmp... White, what the hell kind a name is that anyhow. You know who we should've got to coach this team? Denzel Washington. you ever see that movie where Denzel coached the football team with the white kids, and he gets some bothers in there, and they all fighting and shit. Then he kicks all the white kids out and wins the NBA championship while stopping the plane from crashing.......
uh, no I don't think that's how....
Yeah you're right it was a good movie. Look, all I'm saying is that I just want the best player in the team, selected not by colour but by Merit, now is that asking too much?
Eh.... but surely if you force the inclusion of one player, you're contradict.......
Thaaaat's nice of you to say, but I've got lots of calls to make, so I gotta get going. Hey um... can you e-mail me the details on this world cup thing. I might go check that out.
sigh... yes sir.
Thanks. peace out.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
VIVA LE BOKKE!!
I've let this blog slip like a jelly wrestler, but I can't not congratulate the Boks, the fact is I was at Bar Africa in Auckland's North shore celebrating the win with hundreds of Bok fans. I probably would've posted sooner, but I only just regained motor skills. They sold Klipdrift by the gallons, and like my new friends' t-shirt, I was Klipwrecked. A special shout out has to go to the kiwi media covering the world cup, you guys really made an impact on me, a KAK one. Fucksake, every game, post All Black meltdown, was like a eulogy. A few great sound bites.
Tony Johnston "The final was a very dull affair and you have to worry about the future of the game" who's game Tony? your game? the spectacular running rugby with exciting mobile forwards that got you NOWHERE?!?! Suck my green and gold member you whiny bitch.
Grant Nisbett "So the Springboks won the the 2007 world cup, but you've got to say they had the easiest run of all the teams" I suppose so Grant, but is it any easier than Italy, Portugal, Scotland, Romania and the getting fucked by a crap French team? um no it's not. Hell, you even had an easy drive to the airport.
I was lamenting the fact that I wouldn't see an AB Springbok final, until those biased sons of bitches talked up every team we played since the quarters. "I think the Fijians poses the kind of running rugby that could see the Springboks make and early exit." yeah sorry man, not going to happen. "The Argentinians have the forward pack to trouble the Boks, I think we may yet see another Argentina France game" Congrats ballsack, you did see one. For 3rd place. And Then, only when faced with another 4 year of potential English bragging rights. "I think given the situation all the New Zealanders will be backing the Boks" Like it's some kind of divine blessing. Um....... Still thanks for the permanent residency by the way, awful kind of y'all to let me live here. And you know what, when thing get really bad New Zealand, just remember, you have 41 000 world cup winners right here in your country, I'll bet that's more than you've had for over 20 years. before you call me a bitter wanker, just remember what my grandad always said "If you don't have something insulting to say, best not say anything at all" He was quite the character.
SO.... to sum up, in 2007 we, Won a super14 title (and came second too), Won a World cup, Won IRB team of the year, IRB coach of the year, IRB Player of the year, and currently listed as being the no 1 ranked team in the world. Also notable this was the year that Danie Craven was inducted into the rugby Hall of Fame. in my wildest dreams of blogging I never thought I'd write all of that in one post. Now if only someone would come here to read it.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Just an update to let you know that I have not updated this thing since the 15th of July. Yeah no shit 15 July, turns out I am lazy as shit. Some things happened since then. My job ate more of my life, like a 45 hit combo by Ryu (yes Ruy, asshat, wanna make a grandpa joke go ahead, at least my generation knows good music you little fuckers...... yeah okay grandpa jokes all around.) Al Gore won a Nobel peace prize, more specifically my fucking Nobel peace prize. And last but not least God Finally stopped his procrastinating and picked his favourite world rugby team. Turns out he loves the Springboks almost more than I do and pulled out all the stops in securing us the cup. Ether that or he really really hates us by making us come this far only to get beaten by a side that did not deserve to win the world cup once, let alone twice. We'll see.
I can say that I'll be more consistent with the updates, but with me you never really know. And yes as you can tell I still hold a candle for miss Fuck da Eagles. Time heals all wounds, except the one in my heart, and in my pants.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I've got my propoganda, I've got revisionism.
They say history is written by the victor. That unfortunately is true (except if you're an All Black supporter, then every loss has an explanatory addendum, Suzy, gold watch ect.) Regardless of the extenuating circumstances and planned setbacks, the history books will show that the Springboks lost this Tri Nations competition, and then some. The score won't tell the story of a brave bunch of underdogs sent on a suicide mission. The score won't explain how under the inspirational leadership of Bobby Skinstad, 22 rag tag mercenaries went to Sydney and got the better of the strongest possible Australian team, only to let their enthusiasm get the better of them. And it certainly wont show how after that heartbreaking loss, and the loss of said leader, they had to regroup under a new captain, and once more, against all odds kept the number one team in the world at bay for the most part. This had all the makings of true underdog story, the only thing missing was the um.... actual victory, and the power ballad as the credits rolled by. Alas it was not to be.
Stil, there's hope for eventual glory. The latest trend in Hollywood sports films is that the underdog doesn't so much win, but gives it a good go and wins the moral victory. Rocky didn't win in Rocky 5, but he proved that you never underestimate the guy after whom the movie is named. In Invincible, Mark Wahlberg didn't come up from the gutters to win the Superbowl, that would be silly. He did score a memorable touchdown though, and forced the credits (and power ballad) before the game was even over. How moral victory is that!? and in 300 everybody died, they got spectacularly cornholed.
I've already handed in the first draft of my screenplay to Miramax, It starts with how all the first choice players are trapped in an elevator (I can't really tell the truth on this one, no audience would buy it.) So the coach goes out and finds the gifted number 8 haunted by past glory, on his farm trying to forget a past that saw him exiled from sport, and talks him into leading his troops one last time. I'm thinking Bob Skinstad played by Thomas Jane (who fucking rocked in the Punisher. if you didn't like it...you may very well be gay). There will be a musical montage of them going out and finding the other players, some old, some new, but all find themselves in interesting situations. Maybe one is running from a house with his trousers in his hands chased by the father of girl he just boned. (I'm gonna guess Wynand Olivier, played by Owen Wilson) One is a hard assed cop who uses his rugby skills to tackle a criminal (sorry, SUSPECT ) and then makes a funny one liner (Bismark Du plessis as done by Jeremy Piven. because he's funny and all teams have a funny guy). First none of them will get along, then after the a big bar brawl with the other team, they'll all be in jail and laugh about it, and be inseparable. In the second to last game their inspirational captain will get injured in a spectacular injury (probably unfairly inflicted by the jailbirds.) In a heartfelt speech he will make them realise that they don't need him to be great, the greatness was inside them all along, and then he will hand over his captains band (or whatever) to the young captain who was once his rival (Johan Muller \ Josh Hartnett), and they run out onto the field to face the orcs of mordor. The rest will be a spectacular game with slo-mo cuts and a pumping soundtrack (Thunderstruck has been done to death in sports films, so maybe some QTSA) My movie will end before the three try blitz (of course) but it will be a glorious panning shot of the of the guys facing off to their enemies. and fade to black, queue the power ballad. I'll even get the trailer voice over guy to do the trailer ( In a world....... where only the best succeed....... they......... will learn......... to be better.........than the best) or even cheesier than that.
I think the world is ready for this. The truth is that Hollywood has a raging boner for South African set films (Catch a fire, Blood Diamond, the Gods must be crazy). And no SA film will be complete without....... Arnold Vosloo, he can be Jake White. Cut and Print, I'll be in my trailer.
P.s My apologies for the long delay between posts, I got a little distracted. Turns out there are pictures of naked women on the internet !!! who knew.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Separated at birth.
This particular type of thing has been done a million times on a million different websites, the difference is that other website are really bad at it. I mean, just becuase Victor Matfield has a beard, and Captain hook has a beard, that don't make them twins. You know who else has beard? Bob Seger, why not throw him in? Anyway, if you have any suggestions, please feel free to submit them, people have been submitting suggestions of where I can shove my blog since I started, so you may as well.Firstly, Bakkies Botha and ....
Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age. See that's the kind of similarity I'm talking about.
Next Frans Steyn and....
Brendan Fehr.... from Roswell.... and CSI.... no? Actually, not knowing makes you slightly cooler than me, I'm not even kidding.
Actually now that I think about it....
Yeah, that looks about right.